Dating these days is a crazy world that basically speaks another language. For me, it is Greek. My last relationship was 7 years long and was one that I believed was heading towards marriage. Lo and behold, it went the way of the dodo bird and I ended up alone at 30 (ahem, 29 forever) with no clue what I was doing in the dating world. I was young when I met my ex, online dating was not a big thing. Now it is virtually the only thing. I have had other suitors in the past and I seemed to be a pretty good flirt. Of course, those were all when I had nothing to lose. My boyfriend and I would fight, break up, and say this was the last time, but we always came back to each other. Except for this time. This time it was real. He had found someone else. I gave myself time to heal. Although, admittedly,  there are days even now that it has been almost two years that I feel as raw as I did the day he said goodbye. #jerkface

Despite all of this, I remained a hopeless romantic. I love LOVE. It is a feeling I am always trying to recreate in work and play. That feeling that you cannot live without someone else. You hang on every word they say. With every failed relationship we grow weary. We put walls up a little higher each time. Regardless, I was determined. After all, I’m fun? I’m pretty cute. I’m smart.  I can make my own money. Boom, right? How hard can it be?

So there I was, 29 forever, single. In a city where every girl is prettier than the next. I thought to myself, well, it could be LA. Then I would have just relented and gotten 35 cats. In any case, I made a Match.com profile. Ugh, I thought to myself. My biggest fear, am as I pretty as my pictures? I always felt my strongest asset was my personality. I have this knack for broad appeal once I open my mouth, but how do you explain that in 500 characters or less? Ugh. Luckily, I signed up with two of my best friends in the world. We dissected every boy with the precision of a neurosurgeon. In fact, this might have been to our detriment. Educated women are by nature analytical. From the first hello we are predicting the route the conversation will take.  Much like our finances, we are guarded with who we want to invest in.

Then there is the feeling of excitement when you find someone who can hang with you over those antiquated messaging systems. They answer each question with a witty retort and you smile at your phone with every notification. That is a great feeling. One you hope lasts forever. You feel hope. And to quote my girl Taylor Swift, “this hope is treacherous.” There is a risk in putting your heart out there. Everything is on the line and the pain often feels inevitable. The deterioration of each relationship seems always more bizarre than the previous. Sitting and staring at our smartphones. Waiting for that glow that only reveals some vague noncommittal message. Vomit. It is worse than a job interview. Screenshots with your best friends analyzing why the person is a jerk are always the next stage. They tell you he’s not worth it and you take momentary solace in that. The hurt still lingers. Why? What did we do to go from chatting all night to one word answers and subsequent silence? Why aren’t there exit interviews for dating? Just once I would like a guy to say, ” well, I didn’t like your outfit.” Or, ” your personality sucks.” Something. Just substance to improve. Of course, this is all part of being an analytical female. We cry. We eat ice cream. We drink wine.  Then we try again.

My point to all this rambling is that hope is one of the most dangerous feelings. Hope for love? A risk even Vegas does not like to bet on. We always sit there thinking how smart it would be to just walk away in the early stages of a relationship. Save the brain pain. Save the heartache. We also know in our mind that nothing safe is worth the drive, so we take a risk. After all, who knows maybe the sights of your affections feels the same way. Maybe they need you to hold their hand and take the jump together? After all, love is the ultimate good even when you can see the end as it begins. There are those priceless moments like the first time a guy offers you his jacket and the first time he looks at you with that glimmer of love in his beautiful eyes. Those are the moments I live for. Now, I know life makes it so hard to romanticize all of the other person’s actions, but, to me, that is the fun part. The part where you let go of trying to control everything and free fall. It is nice to surrender a little bit and trust that maybe this time will be the last time. Falling in love. It is worth it every time despite the pain because we learn something from each person we allow into our soul.

#radiatedaily

image source: http://weheartit.com/entry/group/41907087